The Deer Hunter
Saturday, 1:00 am Alarm clock rings 2:00 am Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed 2:30 am Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pickup 3:00 am Leave for the deep woods 3:15 am Drive back home and pick up your gun 3:30 am Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight 4:00 am Set up camp -- forgot the darn tent 4:30 am Head for the woods 6:05 am See eight deer 6:06 am Take aim and squeeze trigger 6:07 am CLICK! 6:08 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill 8:00 am Head back to camp 9:00 am Start looking for camp 10:00 am Realize you don't know where camp is Noon Fire gun for help, eat wild berries 12:15 pm Ran out of bullets -- eight deer come back 12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach 12:30 pm Realize you ate poison berries. 12:45 pm Rescued! 12:55 pm Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped 3:00 pm Arrive back at camp 3:30 pm Leave camp to kill a deer 4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets 4:01 pm Load gun, leave camp again 5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you 6:00 pm Arrive at camp, see deer grazing at camp 6:01 pm Load gun 6:02 pm Fire gun -- hit pickup 6:05 pm Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer 6:06 pm Repress strong desire to shoot hunting partner 6:07 pm Fall into fire 6:10 pm Change clothes. throw burned ones into fire 6:15 pm Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in woods 6:25 pm Pickup boils over -- hole shot in block 6:26 pm Start walking 6:30 pm Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud 6:35 pm Meet deer 6:36 pm Take aim 6:37 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud 6:38 pm Climb tree 9:00 pm Deer departs, wrap gun around tree Midnight Home at last! Sunday Watch football on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces, place pieces into envelope, and mail to hunting partner with very precise instructions as to what he can do with it.